The world will lean to your inner will if you leave the gate open, take out your Iphone earplugs, and get out of your bullet proof car to see what's going on outside your own four walls. It's scary. You are left vulnerable. I know. I get it. Even with a loose grasp on the practical side of life, I have needed a few rituals to define some form of structure to what seemed to a life set to a Bob Dylan song for better or worse. I was simply comforted by my Tuesday ritual of morning coffee, a ham, egg, and cheese on a bagel, and hunting down the latest column of FreeWillAstrology in the local paper. The bit of foreshadowing would relieve my doubt in constant risk taking choices. I have lived on a knife's edge for so long now, it's quite comfy once decorated with a pillow or two of signs. A good thing when then single resource you have is imagination. Not many have woken up one day, gone to the store, bought some dynamite, and blew up as many past realities as often as I have and walked away with no net. I call it self sabotage or growth depending on the day. In the end, it's all making sense if you are true to yourself at every moment. Of course, I think Ben Franklin and the Green Presidential Mafia we commonly refer to as, currency, do not approve and boycott me often.
Case in point of how this world of signage works?
These two words kept popping up from January to April like the gopher in Caddy shack with the impression I was Bill Murray.
I had no choice but embark on a chase to the death for no particularly known reason for either of us.
I wake up on a May Sunday morning, or what you prefer to call 11 am. As one pathetically addicted, I reach for my Iphone to check in with Facebook. It fits into the mindless, automatic morning actions between scratching the netherlands and finding the bathroom. So, what do the magic words of wisdom from the FB oracle have for me today? After being holed up in my windowless, tin roofed can for months, needing a spark of adventure, and quite frankly, my thought being anywhere else is more enticing than one more day of listening to everything that lands and echoes from the roof and seeing NOTHING.
Bob Odenkirk at the Echo 1pm Today-- First up on the newsfeed.
Seriously?!? Weird and convenient wrapped up in one. There is now no excuse. I must go. I read no further. I was out the door before you could say B.O. one more time.
Crap....how much were the tix, again? eff it.
So there I am in line to a "IHaveNoIdeaWhatShowThisIs" as I begin to notice that I am the only adult
without a half pint sidekick. Oh.... Crap..... This is a kid's show. And I am the lone adult. Thank god I am a female. It lessens the creepy factor a few notches. Maybe I should grab one off the street? They are sporadically walking by. An opportunity for impromptu mentoring and staying Incognito, maybe? Potential Win Win 'til the Mama comes. Scratch that.
But I was meant to be there and meet rad people, who were on their own journey towards their own dreams. My own signs of where to go began to teach and refine in a direction of what I really wanted without anymore guilt of not following advice from those that would like to see me spending more time revisiting a corporate suit that has now officially disintegrated from the power of my will. Those who valued that suit on me felt so much more comfortable discussing me in the traditional, "She'sDoneGoodBecauseWeUnderstandItAndSheHasAFatHouseToProveIt" conversation. I imagine the current conversation is simply,
"How is Kim?"
"Oh, she's doing."
"Who knows. A naked plaster-cast called Fat Man and Dream Maps."
Somewhere in the world, I smile. "Yep."
Once I let go of questioning my limited understanding of "Why should I?" in following my instincts with self criticism or judgment of reason, and thought, "Why not?" it opened so many more wonderful doors to walk through that I could never have foreseen carving out myself. The signs are just the magic markers of life.
The signs eventually lead me to someone I can't say anything but "yes" to--, and in his company, jump off railroad bridges into water below. There is nothing like looking into the eyes of the one you love, trusting them completely, and letting go into empty, open air if for no more than 3 seconds. You realize everything is so much better when you don't strangle your own life away with thought controls, verbal "no's" and decision making by a mantra of "I don't see the end result before I start so I won't and neither should you."
We all think about being somewhere, being something, being left to our imagination. But many of us want to see a clear paved road the exact way we are comfortable imagining it with easy-to-read, neon, directional signs if we are to actualize the real journey. The highway to the end result is clearly defined and in sight from the starting line There is no need to panic of the unknown. Richard Simmons is cheering us to the finish line with fat free cookies waiting. Why? He promised you would be there and win before you even took one step forward.
And if he ain't there,......
and the cookies aren't fat free ,......... and the path isn't glow in the dark?!?
I need everything in my cozy, not the real way, but my way. I will just buy the cookies at Ralph's for discount by way of my super Hummer tank that kills everything in my path to get me fat as shit.
I will find my happiness in what is easy- what is easy to comprehend--- what is easy to control and expect, though painfully nearsighted and limiting to my individual potential and fulfillment. Hey, I need my constant cookies in my life at all costs but can I live my dreams too? No? Oh then I 'll take the cookies, ignore the signs leading to my deepest heart's desires, and bitch the rest of my life.
Binkies have a huge cost and mommas know. There is method to their madness in trying to ween you off of your first but the binkies keep getting biggerr. No wonder people are paralyzed. It's an impossible expectation and reversal of how the nature of life works.
The secret is that your imagination is the real power. Know your heart's desire and the universe will bend to your thoughts if you have the balls to follow its way and not your own. The signs just make the ride more colorful, just like magical markers are supposed to do. And leave your binky at home.
Thanks Bob Odenkirk