Lissa Corona

Lissa Corona 26, Los Angeles
Lissa Corona was found dead, head decapitated in her Los Angeles
mansion last Thursday. Her body had been drained of all blood, and the
incision made to remove her head was shockingly efficient and clean.
In a surprising twist, her muderer was former Uninversity of
Pennsylvania classmate Orlando Soria, who had been employed by Corona
as a groundskeeper for the past two years. Seven months after
graduating from graduate school, Lissa had become a star of her own
Comedy Central show, 'Transma.' Since her television sucess, Soria had
always resented her, claiming that it was he who came up with the
hilarious premise of the show (a grandma who was a tranny, hence:
transma!). When Corona won a Golden Globe for her brilliant comic
performance as the show's title character, Soria allegedly became
enraged and beheaded her, using a technique so clean and beautiful it
baffled even the most talented of neck surgeons, if there is such a
thing. Corona is survived by her loving parents, Mike and Vivian of
Caligula, California, her darling brother Daniel, also of Caligula,
and her husband, Brian Burkett who still lives in Los Angeles. And some
girl from grad school named Milana Braslavsky-Steinberg, who's wedding
profile is also in today's Times. When asked why he mudered Corona and
drank her blood, Soria responded jovially "Man! I was thirsty! I just
wanted to drink a Corona!"

-Courtesy of Orlando Soria